Deserving

Scams we run on ourselves.

To hear Bodine read this essay, click here:

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I used to work on a live radio show. A dream job, where I got to write and perform, and travel, and meet celebrities, and hear the best music in the world. The job fell in my lap out of nowhere, and carried a glow of minor status, and I already revered the show, I'd seen it from the audience many times.

Prior to having this job, I knew the host a little bit. I'd actually set him up with his wife, who I knew better. But when the show moved to New York, and they needed a writer, it had to be someone the host knew and whose taste he trusted. His wife thought of me. And she was the perfect example of his already trusting my taste.

This job had no manual, and no one to ask. There was just learning by fumbling along, and my mistakes could be embarrassing. I misread touchy interpersonal dynamics, I almost pulled over an instrument on stage when my dress hem caught its edge, I once got on stage way too early and bopped myself in the face with the mic in front of the audience.

I kept wanting someone to say, you deserve to be here. Everyone knows you're perfect for this job. When nobody said that, it seemed like the opposite might be true, that I didn't deserve it. And everyone knew.

But I wanted so much to be good at what I was doing, and to earn the opportunity by my behavior in the role. I was awed by my luck that I got to be there at all. This kept me from taking a second of it for granted. Which anchored me in the moment, out of anxiety, able to weather whatever came up. And I got better. People do improve with effort and time, an unavoidable thing about humans, and it happened faster than I could have imagined. I grew to fill what I needed to be.

And right when I had my feet under me, halfway into my first season, 16 live episodes deep, the show was canceled. It was summer 2020, and some people believed no one would ever go to a concert again. One loss among too many.

Accepting the show was gone was even harder than accepting it was real. Earned or not, it had made me feel special and could not be replaced. So I resisted.

Not letting go is a lot like imposter syndrome. A rejection of the current moment, in favor of some other belief. A common constant is self-blame, which is normal, and possible to stop at any time. Give yourself the grace you'd give any stranger. You're not more special than them, or less deserving. According to who, anyway?

Getting stuck on how something's unfair leaves no room for what to do next. Opportunities come your way when you're ready, not when you feel ready.

Say yes to reality, always. Only then can you change it.

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