Out of the Way
Fear of an ordinary life.
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One time I was sitting at a bar with this woman, a successful writer, and we'd very quickly developed an intense friendship so hung out all the time, but on this particular night, she made a joke at her own expense. She said something like, well I'm just a piece of shit. As a joke. I laughed because she wanted me to, but it made me sad. I wondered, was I reading her mind, by listening to her talk?
Things fell apart with this friend. One of the last times we hung out, we were at a restaurant, although we'd only gone there to drink. She looked at a couple on a date and joked about still being single because she kept rejecting people before they could reject her. A joke, but it hit me like searing insight. Behind this woman was a string of failed intense relationships of all kinds, which for some reason always blew up. I wasn't special for making this successful person like me. I was next in line.
Seeing this habit in someone else made it possible to spot in myself. The chatter in my head about being unworthy would flip to being about how worthy I am, more than someone else anyway. Actually listening to the prattling nonsense made it obvious how thinking I'm worse than other people is not different than thinking that I'm better. Those are two flavors of the same insecurity—fear of an ordinary life.
It's normal to feel this way. It's sane, and humble, and more common than you would possibly guess. If you think you need to worry about something, life will provide you reasons. And in a time of chaos, knowing what's going to happen feels like control, even if it's only about problems we give ourselves.
But once I notice I'm listening to that voice, letting it affect my mood, I stop. It's awful to spend time thinking I'm not worthy. That will keep good things from finding me. If I tell the world I don't deserve something, I won't. Over a long enough timeline, we get what we expect.
The next time you notice cruelty in yourself, look for what you're getting out of it. Maybe there's pleasure in feeling self-aware or interestingly damaged. It may seem like that's your personality, and darkness is depth. But cynicism is never the part worth protecting. To figure out what's driving you, read your own mind by listening to yourself talk. What are your jokes about?
It helps to look at your hands or your face in the mirror, and say out loud, I see how hard you're trying. If you're really brave, say I'm proud of how hard you're trying. This is where self-respect comes from, and from that, self-like and even self-love. Then you don't have to think about yourself much at all.
Have a remarkable life by being someone who can accept love. Or at least get out of the way.